I work from home. I usually listen to podcasts all morning while I work, then turn on the TV during the afternoon for background noise. Out of the 100’s of channels that the dispicable Time Warner Cable provides, the only things worth watching are the TV judges.

I’ll start off by cluing you into the fact that none of these people are real judges. They are arbiters. The parties involved in each case sign a contract before they go on, stating that they allow the “judge” to provide binding arbitration and that they will abide by the ruling.

And don’t be fooled by whom you may consider to be the “bailiffs” on these shows — they’re nothing more than hired goons. Security guys who are in no way certified by any court and only there to look tough. Unless you’re that one from Judge Mathis’ show, who is far from intimidating and looks as though he should be in his mom’s basement talking about Star Trek. More on that below.

Over the past several years, I’ve been able to get a pretty good read on these judges. My conclusion is that there’s only one worth watching — Judge Judy. I will halt all work I’m doing at 4:00 to watch her rip through anyone who steps foot in her “court” (TV studio).

So let me talk a little more about the four TV judges I’ve become familiar with.

1. Judge Judy

Like I said — the only one worth watching. She’s all business and no nonsense. She can spot a liar a mile away, and is the queen of stinging one-liners.

Judge Judy is a brilliant woman, knowing all the right questions to ask to get to the bottom of things. Demanding respect, she takes total control of the “court room” and is not intimidated by anyone. She doesn’t let anyone try to flatter her to sweet-talk her into getting her sympathy.

She deserves every penny she earns on the show. All other TV judges  pale in comparison.

Her security guy is great. He shows little emotion and only gets involved when prompted by Judy. And he has a great presence, guaranteeing that Judy is safe from those angered parties who get their little feelings hurt.

2. Judge Karen

While I’m not particularly impressed by any other TV judge after Judge Judy, Judge Karen is the most bearable of the rest of the pack. She’s interesting and has personality — making for great TV — and seems to have a good time doing what she’s doing. Most of the time she’s fair and shows compassion.

For a judge, though, she’s not as no-nonsense as Judge Judy and will crack jokes. She’s a bit “softer,” often allowing things that Judy would not.

Judge Karen’s security guy has been cast well — he looks the part. He’s only there for the sake of being there, and rarely becomes part of the proceedings.

3. Judge Mathis

This is where things start getting ridiculous. He’s a jerk — plain and simple. He makes every attempt to emulate Judge Judy’s toughness, but comes across as being harsh for no reason. When Judge Judy is harsh, there’s a reason — it’s her M.O. She knows exactly what she’s doing — very calculated. Judge Mathis is not. He will needlessly snap at people who come before him. He often slouches in the bench, being disrespectful of those before him.

He’s preachy. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard his spiel about being on the Steve Harvey show, about rap music and record companies, blah blah blah . . . You’re there to rule on this dispute, not to feed me your agenda. I’m sure it’s fun for TV, but not for “court.”

And he LOVES to have his ego stroked. Every show I’ve seen includes statements of how much people like him and admire him. He loves it, and basks in the praise. I just cannot respect that.

And like I mentioned above, his security guy is a dork. Most of the people on the show could probably whup him in a fist fight.

4. Judge Hatchett

Ugh . . . this show was cancelled last year, but for some reason they still see fit to air reruns. I cannot stand this — it’s the picture of stupidity. Judge Hatchett is loud, dramatic, and annoying. She tries really hard to give the impression that she’s caring — a righter of wrongs; a hero. She wants to come across as being a role model for the younger generation — and also for the African American community. However, she is so dramatic and full of herself that her facade backfires.

This is not “court” –  or arbitration — or whatever. This is the Glenda Hatchett “look at me” show. I have ZERO respect for this woman, who uses a TV courtroom to try to make her big head even bigger. Zero.

Why does she take an entire show to drag out a “court-ordered” DNA test? Just bring out the DNA results and move on. But no, she takes the entire half hour to extract personal details from the parties involved, preaching and yelling until she finally comes to the dramatic “bring out the results!” part at the very end. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And what’s up with these interventions? Can you really sue your “wild teen” for an intervention? WTF??? If I want crap like Jerry Springer and Maury, I’ll turn to those wonderful shows. But what belongs on court TV shows is the settlement of a dispute — not crap like this, no matter what kind of “feel-good” TV it makes for. And Hatchett sits back, just so damn smug and pleased with herself. “Look at me!” she’s probably thinking. “Look at how wonderful a person I am!”

Now to her security guy. It seems to me that the producers of the show went to the nearest run-down trailer park, found the biggest guy there, and slapped a fake uniform on him. He’s probably paid in cases of Budweiser cans. He bellows out the most ridiculous “All rise . . .” statement at the beginning of the show that I’ve ever heard. He’s almost as dramatic as Hatchett — and I can’t stand him either.

Judge Hatchett’s show is one big circus of stupid. I’m happy as can be that she was fired from TV.